Those Words given by My Father That Helped Us during my time as a New Dad

"In my view I was merely trying to survive for a year."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the demands of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality soon became "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health complications around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her chief support in addition to taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I handled all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he became exhausted. It was a talk with his father, on a public seat, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You are not in a healthy space. You must get support. What can I do to assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and find a way back.

His experience is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. While society is now more comfortable discussing the stress on mothers and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles dads encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a wider inability to communicate among men, who continue to hold onto damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It is not a sign of failure to ask for help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men often don't want to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably in front of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental well-being is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the chance to request a break - taking a short trip overseas, outside of the home environment, to gain perspective.

He realised he required a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of looking after a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the vocabulary of feelings and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked consistent male a father figure. Even with having an "amazing" connection with his dad, profound trauma caused his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "poor actions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You find your way to things that are harmful," he notes. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, speak to a friend, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the activities that made you feel like you before having a baby. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and when you can, sleep, all are important in how your mind is coping.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the best way you can care for your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the loss, having been out of touch with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the stability and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I expressed, on occasion I think my role is to guide and direct you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."